Toni Toomey (00:00) Welcome back to the Postpartum Standard. I'm joined today by Priya Rednam Waldo. Priya, thank you so much for joining. Priya Rednam Waldo (00:07) Thank you for having me, Toni I'm looking forward to our conversation. Toni Toomey (00:11) Awesome. Well, let's dive in. Tell us a little bit about you and your journey in motherhood and what you're doing to serve mothers now. Priya Rednam Waldo (00:19) Absolutely. So I ⁓ am a licensed perinatal therapist and I speak on the topic perinatal mental health. It is my singular passion professionally. I came to it in ⁓ a more circumvent way. didn't, if my 20 year old self would not have imagined that this would be my life's work, ⁓ but I love what I do. I both coach women throughout the world really, and also ⁓ support through running my perinatal mental health practice here in Metro Detroit. And I'm singularly focused on supporting high achieving women who are very career driven, who are navigating the unmatched journey from pregnancy through postpartum and beyond. My journey, like I said, is unique in that I actually began my career as a US Army officer after graduating from West Point. I was very much thinking I would become an astronaut someday, if you can believe it. And while I still love to look at the stars, that particular dream didn't come to be, but I'm so happy with how ⁓ life has brought me to this place. And more than anything, my own motherhood journey brought me here. I am the very proud mom to four beautiful children, three who I welcome through birth, one through adoption, and My own struggles through the early pregnancy and postpartum period led to me wanting to, one, go through a healing journey to be the best human being, mother professional I could be, but also led me to wanting other mothers to have the support that I really felt like I was lacking so that I could, yeah, make meaning of my experience. And it brings me great joy to this day. to both be navigating motherhood ⁓ now with older children and to be supporting women in this journey. Toni Toomey (02:25) That's so beautiful. And that had to be such a hard transition from like the structure of like army and that like you're just so used to everything going you prepare and it works and children are like preparation. What is that? Priya Rednam Waldo (02:41) They couldn't care less about our plans. ⁓ Yeah, was very humbling, to say the least, and what I realized, both in my own experience and then working with hundreds of women similar to me who are more type A, much more ⁓ used to structure, used to being able to plan through everything, anticipate ⁓ even challenges and mitigate how they might impact them. Yeah. Toni Toomey (02:44) Yeah. Priya Rednam Waldo (03:06) we all have that unique vulnerability. We think that, gosh, if I have the spreadsheet, if I have the, if I've read every baby book out there, if I've done all of the things to problem solve, well then it'll be smooth sailing. I literally, even as a mental health professional who was aware of postpartum anxieties, depression, and the spectrum of what women can experience, even for me, I went into thinking, gosh, I've got this down pat. I know wake windows. know how I'm going to nurse. I know all the things. And I have a very equitable partner and my husband. So thought, I am ready. And my baby, Jack, my firstborn, could not care less. And it was really hard. I had a traumatic birth experience. We can prepare for a lot of things in birth. We can't always prepare for the unexpected. And so that traumatic birth experience Plus, not really realizing how transformative becoming a mother really is, I found myself really struggling. And also struggling to find expert support who could help me to get back on my feet quickly. And so I'm really trying to fill that gap in my work now. Toni Toomey (04:26) Yeah, it's so wild how many women I talk to who say they had a traumatic birth experience and it really strikes me, what can we do for the next generation so that fewer women have that story? What are the resources missing? What do you think is the gap there that we can help fill for our daughters? Priya Rednam Waldo (04:49) What a beautiful question because I do often think, I have one daughter, three sons, I do often think about what do I wish was different for her? And so much of the focus, whether it's kind of the traditional medical system or the cultural piece, so much of the focus is on baby, right? We need to get baby out safely. A baby shower is all about gifts for baby. And I really think our generation has this, unique, we're at an inflection point, right? Where we can decide how do we want things to be different? And we really need to reorient to how do we support mom? What does mom need from pregnancy? I, in my own experience, had a horrible hyperemesis, so I was sick throughout my pregnancy. And I really believed, well, I'm supposed to just carry on. Like, I'm not, you know, throwing up 10 times a day, right? And I... Hope my daughter, well, I don't just hope, I talked to her about it. I'm like, when you're ill, you're supposed to take care of yourself. You're supposed to take time off. So we have this inflection point where we can use our wisdom that we gained, even if it was through struggle, to shift that focus in pregnancy. In birth, really making sure moms have all of the birth, not just for their body, but for their mind, their spirit, everything that they need and that is really customized to mom. And then certainly postpartum with the moms that I coach, they have They are really excited about being mom and they also have dreams outside of that, right? Their professions are really important to them. Their family connections are important to them. Their love of travel, right? Something that makes them uniquely you or uniquely them is important. So how do we in postpartum make sure that they're creating space for joy, for fulfillment, and of course for their own wellness? Toni Toomey (06:41) Yeah. ⁓ I feel that so deeply. I'm two years postpartum and I feel like I'm just now starting to like make space for me. And like, just, as a mom, it's, I feel like it's natural. You just pour into your kids and everything that you're doing. And I mean, I'm also a working mom, obviously. And so it's, everything has been about like giving and giving and giving and learning how to receive care and ask for help and slow down. Like I loved what you said about childbirth and becoming a mom was really helpful. I feel that too. It was the most humbling experience for me because all of a sudden I couldn't be entirely self-sufficient. I was used to being that independent, like I can get this done no matter what. And now all of a sudden, like you can't just white knuckle through motherhood. I mean, you can try, but it's not recommended. Priya Rednam Waldo (07:33) Absolutely, right? You can try. So many, unfortunately, I think so many moms do do that. But there's a cost. There's a cost in terms of certainly your own wellness and the joy. You worked really hard to bring a baby into this world. You deserve to enjoy that experience while you're also healing and resting and moving through what is really a metamorphosis. You can't go backwards once you become a mom. regardless of your path to be there, you are forever changed. And so we need to have space for that. And yeah, it is unfortunate, a lot of the moms that I work with who are second time moms, maybe they did white knuckle the first time, they'll express to me that, gosh, I really don't remember much of that. Because when you're white knuckling things in a survival mode, your brain is not. It's not meant to remember all of those memories and they want a different experience the next time around and they're able to by having someone guide them through, how do I create space? And we know just as you said, like we are really biologically, ⁓ it's predetermined that we're gonna be pouring into baby, but we need to plan for who is pouring into us and not waiting until we are kind of at the bottom of a whole struggling. but really planning for how do I build a mountain for me to stand on before, whether it is a partner, a spouse, in-laws, parents, paid professionals like fabulous doulas, having the products, the things that are gonna support mom so that then you can be really present. We push moms to be present a lot, but we don't give them all of the supports to actually be present. And ⁓ that is something I... Toni Toomey (09:25) Yes. Priya Rednam Waldo (09:28) I really want to shift for not just the next generation, but new moms tomorrow that are going in through that experience. Toni Toomey (09:38) Yeah. What do you think are like the proactive conversations that mom can kind of have to like get that started? Because I feel like a lot of times I'm experiencing it with my friend group who's having kids. saying like, my mother-in-law comes over and like all she wants to do is hold the baby. And I just want her to like do my dishes or she offers, and then she doesn't do anything. She just holds the baby. Like how do you recommend people kind of start those conversations while they're still pregnant? Because once the baby comes, like you don't have the energy to fight that battle. Priya Rednam Waldo (10:08) Yeah, it's really hard, not impossible, but I would agree. It's very hard. You're running some times on fumes, depending on, again, what baby's agenda is, which may be very different than yours. So yeah, that ideal time is, I love working with moms in that third trimester, where they're feeling ready, they're in that nesting period. And the nesting isn't just making a beautiful nursery, that can be fun, but it's really like, how do I create a meaningful village of support? We tell moms all the time, Go find your village, okay? But if your village isn't actually what you need, they can be wonderful people, well-intentioned, but it's gonna end up feeling not great or even resentful. And so I love with coaching my clients on this and even really kind of giving them scripts that they can make their own, but so that they don't have to create the verbiage or the language. But it is about first realizing. what your values are. I always start with that. What do you want your motherhood values to be? What's the foundation that you want to build upon? Then let's paint a picture together. What is, with those values in mind, what would you like postpartum to look like? What would you like your mother-in-law to be doing? And then ideally before you bring baby home, how do you communicate with mother-in-law what you need? I know you want to support me, mom. I know that you care deeply about the baby and I. I'm so excited for you to be a part of our, you know, our village. The most meaningful thing for those early days would be, can you take care of the laundry? Can you take care of making sure meals are prepped? That would be great. And I want to, of course, make sure you have time to bond with baby, but that would be so helpful for me and our whole family, right? That's very different than what often and myself included, have a fabulous mother, fabulous mom, but I wasn't prepared for that when I first had a child. And so you're sitting there kind of stewing, your arms are exhausted, hour 10 of holding baby, and you're realizing, ⁓ okay, I'm getting relief from there, but I'm just now I'm using these tired arms to do laundry, right? And it should be an open and active communication. Like, Toni Toomey (12:19) Yeah. Priya Rednam Waldo (12:24) Can we check in on a couple of weeks and I can let you know what I need then. So you're already setting up a stage for this may change, but right now this is what I need. Toni Toomey (12:35) I love that so much, especially the regular check-ins on that. That's something that my husband and I did really often in those early days, at least once a week. like, okay, how are you feeling? How can I support you? How are things going? Because we kept hearing from people like, oh, you drift apart. I mean, it's obviously your marriage changes in the first year after baby, and then it changes again. I think it just continually evolves over time. I love that having those proactive conversations, it never really like dawned on me to have those kind of like check-ins with my village that was helping as well and I think that's so wise. Priya Rednam Waldo (13:15) Yeah, I love knowing that your husband and you were aware of and took action, right? A lot of our stress or anxiety is, I heard our relationships change, or I heard our village might not be supporting us in the way that we want. And then we sit in that. But if we know, I can take actionable steps, and really reasonable, it can be a five minute check in over coffee with a spouse, right? To say, like, what do you need? What do I need? How are you feeling? And to have... our partners have some language to use. Like, how is nursing going for you? Are there things that could be easier, better? Can I set up a station for you? what, because a lot of times partners or spouses, they don't know what to ask. They just say, how are you? And that can feel really open. So instead if they can say, I know to check in about X, Y, and Z, that can make a huge difference. Same with anybody in your village. And when you can have that Toni Toomey (14:01) Yes. Priya Rednam Waldo (14:13) guidelines or that guidance before or at least early on after baby arrives, it can make an incredible difference in that first year. Toni Toomey (14:24) Yeah, that's so amazing. Are there like resources that you recommend, like books that you recommend for moms and spouse and family? And I get asked that question so often. Priya Rednam Waldo (14:34) Yeah, I mean, I always love any book that is really or resources is really focused on mom and that transformation. I certainly I love Emily Oster's books. She's very research based, which speaks to my heart. I love when there's research paired with empower empowerment, right? Like, here's the data. And you get to be the captain of your ship, you get to do what you feel is right for yourself. And then ultimately, right, when you are living in accordance with your values, you get to also, your whole family ends up benefiting from that. So Crib Sheet is a great one. If you're still expecting, Expecting Better is a really great one. ⁓ I love, this isn't pregnancy postpartum related, but the book Letting Go, or The Art of Letting Go, I'm trying to think which is the right title, because I've read it many times, but it's been a bit. ⁓ Just about the power of, as we were talking about earlier, we can't be so controlled and so, my gosh, everything has to fit into my minute by minute spreadsheet. We have to be able to say, even though I have those skills, those abilities to be hyper organized, maybe at times, to problem solve, in motherhood, we do really have to harness a power of letting go and to say, all right, I can't control when my baby goes down for a nap. Yesterday, She slept for two hours today, so it's 20 minutes. And that's really hard. But rather than what a lot of moms feel is like, my, this desperation or even frustration at baby and then they feel guilty, you know, that cycle can occur. How do I let go of this harsh, ⁓ this hard line expectation and instead say, okay, baby's gonna sleep as long as baby needs to sleep. What do I need in those moments to make sure that I don't feel that overwhelming frustration? How do I every day make sure that my basic needs are met, that I have space for joy? How do I make that so routine that whether it's two hours, which of course feels a lot better than 20 minutes, I'm not pretending like it doesn't, whether it's two hours or 20 minutes, I'm able to still feel this internal sense of balance. Toni Toomey (16:45) Yes. Yeah. Are there like little actions that you recommend moms do to kind of help practice letting go maybe while they're still pregnant? Priya Rednam Waldo (17:03) For sure. And really in that third trimester, right, when we're, when we feel really big, we feel like our sleep is already starting to be disrupted. We maybe are getting up more often to use the restroom. That's a beautiful opportunity to practice the art of letting go because as much as we might want to say, okay, if I just do one, two, three steps, I'll sleep through the night. That's not going to work for us, right? Our body isn't designed to do that at that time. Toni Toomey (17:30) No. ⁓ Priya Rednam Waldo (17:32) But what we do is say, okay, I've let go of this expectation that I'm not going to get up three times to use the restroom in the night. So how do I plan for during my day, as much as possible to have space for rest? How do I make sure that if I'm only able to eat small portions, right, because baby's taking up a lot of space in there, how do I make sure that I have opportunities to regularly eat throughout the day? Because we know if we don't eat, our blood sugar goes down and that feels like anxiety because our bodies say, feed me. And how do we bring in our village early on? How can maybe dad or mom, ⁓ mother-in-law, somebody else make sure that those small meals are ready to go? So you've let go of the hard expectation, but you've backfilled with lots of support. Toni Toomey (18:03) Yeah. Yeah, I love that so much. It's funny, I always joked that like the third trimester was kind of like my training for not getting any sleep because I stopped being able to sleep through the night. I couldn't get comfortable. was like, I was awake every hour. And I, by the time baby came, I was like, well, I'm just used to this now I've adapted. like, it's like nature's way of preparing you. Priya Rednam Waldo (18:30) No. Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Right. There's so many things that are happening that are actually very adaptive. One area that I love talking about with postpartum moms, right, is the way our brains and our bodies literally change and how we are actually meant to be very ⁓ hypervigilant in a way to babies needs, right? So we can hear them when they need to eat. So we can cuddle them when they're upset. There is a beautiful biologically predetermined aspect of that. But what ends up happening, as we talked about before, if you're only pouring in and you haven't set the stage or you're not actively setting the stage for people to pour into you to be really attuned to what is mom need, then we end up really depleted and maybe resentful. And then when we have professional ambitions, we might end up turning the volume down on them as a way to cope, as a way to survive. And that's what I especially love about working with my coaching clients because I get to say, no, you don't have to turn down the volume. If you would like to choose to, certainly every mom has the right to self-determination to figure out what's best for them, but they also deserve to have the option of like, I can even turn the volume up. I can create some really meaningful things out of my experience. that I then want to share with the world. That makes me think of another book that I love to recommend as moms move back into their professional roles is Fair Play by Eve Radsky and The Beautiful Cards because those are awesome tools to recognize, ⁓ yeah, when I am turning up the volume or turning back up the volume on my professional role, I want to make sure that our family is Toni Toomey (20:10) Yeah. Priya Rednam Waldo (20:37) supported and functioning and I don't want to feel like I'm carrying the whole mental load, right? Which so many moms feel like even moms who are very used to delegating at work and being leaders at work, ⁓ yeah, I sometimes get to work with C-suite executives who are like, why am I doing everything at home? And the cards, the tools from Fair Play as well as the book. Toni Toomey (20:42) Yes. Priya Rednam Waldo (21:01) It allows for to have those conversations with our spouse and family, and then also allows for actionable, like, okay, you're taking this responsibility versus I'm taking this. And then, yeah, each mom gets to find their right way of moving through both an ambitious professional career and motherhood. Toni Toomey (21:22) I love that so much. That's, it's so funny. My husband and I like at the start of the year kind of did that exact thing, like in an unstructured way where we're like, okay, how are, what are, how are we going to tackle the year? What are our goals? Like, how are we going to divide this up? And it's, it felt so great to just have those conversations and have a plan because I did, I had slipped as a mom into I'm carrying the load for everything. And it's so funny because at work I do lead teams and I do delegate and I like, it comes so naturally at work. personal life. I'm like, no, I have to hold on to control of everything, even though I know that's not sustainable. Priya Rednam Waldo (21:59) Yeah, so we, you know, step on our own foot a lot. We know rationally, yeah, it works so much better in partnership or with lots of support, but that mom factor in us can feel lot of fear or stress or anxiety about what it means to really let go, again, of holding all of it. And so I love a part of how I work with Toni Toomey (22:22) Yeah. Priya Rednam Waldo (22:28) fabulous women is kind of speaking to that part of them that knows how to delegate. And we create kind of their own motherhood playbook together. So a reference tool of here are the things, the values, the picture, all of what we talked about, but then also here are the ways that you can actually like implement the things we're talking about. And yeah, it can be as simple as regular check-ins, conversations, saying what's working for our family, what's not. gosh, I have this really big thing coming up at work. How do we shift responsibilities for this period of time? Just ongoing conversations that, ⁓ yeah, we're really not coached on how to have. There's a lot of emphasis on the whole journey of motherhood being natural, which is fair, right? There's so much of it that is so natural and so common, but we don't have to think that all of the transformative or transformations that happen both internally, as well as for our family structure, our workplace, that those have to just naturally fall into place. We get to proactively say, what do I want and how do I make that happen? And yeah, that's one of my favorite things to do with clients is, hey, yeah, you can be beautifully natural in your role as a loving mother. Like you love your baby. And there's the whole other. aspect of it that is not just going to cross our fingers and fall into place. We're going to proactively work on that. Toni Toomey (23:58) Yeah. Yeah, that's so true. And I, so funny. I just saw a LinkedIn post the other day that was talking about like, if you're taking actions every day without a goal in mind, like you could end up in a completely different place. And they use the analogy of like, if you and your husband were driving on a car trip somewhere and you were trading off driving, you would have to agree on the destination at the beginning. Otherwise, like you could wake up from your nap and you're just completely in the opposite direction because you never actually agreed on the end goal and I was like wow that's the perfect analogy for like life and goal setting and like yeah you can do all the right actions every day but if you're not moving in the same direction then you're just kind of existing. Priya Rednam Waldo (24:34) Yeah. Yeah, it's not about just like working hard, which is something right? Hi, achievers. We get working hard. really like, that's a comfort zone. Even though it's exhausting, it's a comfort zone. And we do have to come out of that comfort zone, let go, but also have a really clear vision. I love coaching, certainly moms, but I also can coach couples, but you know, just dream together. What would this, what would life look like if you brought baby home and it was exactly how you Toni Toomey (24:50) you Priya Rednam Waldo (25:13) you wanted it to be, not what all of the having it all that kind of society or other maybe even well intentioned, but family or friends are telling you it has to be what do you want it to be? And sky's the limit. And then you can meaningfully create systems within the home. You can delegate. can decide like, what are your strengths? What are my strengths? How are we going to do this together? And then you can also outsource, right? We are in a society. ⁓ for better or for worse, which is very individualistic in a lot of ways. And we know that that village mentality is great. That's why we say, go find your village. But we don't give a lot of guidance on what that looks like within our society. I'm the daughter of Indian immigrants. It's very natural for us to have everybody in our lives kind of come around us and be a support. But that's not maybe the case for everyone. Or maybe you're living away from family and friends. And so how do you pull all of those resources together from maybe paid professionals, whether it's a doula, a midwife, ⁓ it could be somebody who comes in, takes care of meals or laundry. It could be any of those things. So to be able to really guide people on how to do that, it's just such a joy for me to see the transformation from, my gosh, I don't know how I'm gonna do it all to, I don't have to do it all. Toni Toomey (26:12) Yeah. Priya Rednam Waldo (26:41) I get to do what I want and also get to outsource the things that make sense to outsource. Toni Toomey (26:47) I love that. think we really get stuck in this like comparison mindset sometimes. And we see other people. I've even had it happen to me where I have friends who have newborns and they're like comparing themselves as moms to where I'm at now with a two year old. they're like, I don't know how you do it all. And I'm like, well, she's two now for one, she's not attached to me 20 hours a day anymore. And like back then I wasn't doing it all. I think, especially with like the rise of social media, we kind of only see like the highlight reel of Priya Rednam Waldo (27:05) Yes. Toni Toomey (27:17) people's lives and we just assume like, they have it all together. They're doing it all like their house is perfectly clean and they're cooking and they're doing all these things. But you don't know what their village looks like or what the rest of their house looks like. You just see the tiny little frame and yes. Priya Rednam Waldo (27:32) very curated version, right? And I love that you highlight, yeah, we can lump, you know, right? In those first couple years, especially, there is so much change from day to day, sometimes hour to hour on how our baby is doing, how we're doing. And so the idea of comparison between a newborn and a two-year-old, you know, through that wisdom that you gain, gosh, that is so far apart. There are apples and oranges in a lot of ways. but that new mom doesn't know that. So we can really share our real experiences, which is wonderful. And with social media being so curated, ⁓ you don't know if that's really accurate, right, if that's their whole experience. ⁓ And so that comparison isn't helpful. But then also, I see a lot of really well-meaning social media posts about, this is really hard, or I haven't showered in days. And And that hurts my heart too because there's a comparison of like, well, that's supposed to be my experience that I'm supposed to really be struggling and suffering. And no, you're supposed to have the support. You're absolutely allowed to have a shower every day. Like that's tending to your basic needs. So while it's helpful to know we're not alone and that there are hard days and easier days. Toni Toomey (28:47) Yes, yeah. Priya Rednam Waldo (28:54) We also wanna make sure that we're putting out great information and understanding our sources of information before we start comparing or wondering how good a job we're doing. Our babies actually, right, research shows us our babies need so little from us. They need unconditional love and their basic needs met. If you're doing that, you're not getting out of the ballpark and then you need to really focus instead of what more can I do? Toni Toomey (29:05) Yeah. Priya Rednam Waldo (29:23) on making sure your needs are met too. Toni Toomey (29:26) Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's the saying like you can't pour from an empty cup. And I see that so often where moms kind of get in this like shame spiral where they're like, Oh, I'm not doing enough for my kid. And it's like, no, if you did more for you, you would naturally show up more like the mom that you want to be because you would be less stressed and your nervous system would be regulated and all of that. And I, think as a society, like we don't, it's like what you said at the beginning, we don't take care of mom enough. And then there is that mom guilt and shame and like, Priya Rednam Waldo (29:30) Okay. Toni Toomey (29:56) like so many things that come out of just being anxious and probably not drinking enough water, eating enough protein. Priya Rednam Waldo (30:03) Absolutely, absolutely, or not sleeping enough. That's a huge one because a lot of the moms that I coach, right, they've pulled an all-nighter for work. They've done, you know, they've worked on a weekend, let's say, and so they're used to going hard, but they're also forgetting that they're used to like having a few days with nothing going on, or they can do whatever that they need to do, and our babies aren't that same way. And so really letting moms know, you know, from a health standpoint, we need five hours of continuous sleep, right? Not only so that we can function, but especially right after birth, there's so much internal healing that is being done. It's not just up until your six week appointment, your follow-up. is so much is happening in that period and well beyond one, two years sometimes even beyond where your body needs to recover. So, I love how you said it right. Like when we porn into ourselves, we can show up as this better and ideally best version of ourselves. And then our kids get to see that, right? I love when my kids, now that my kids are a little older, I love when they get to see me taking care of myself because I know as they grow that they're gonna prioritize that as well. They're gonna see that ⁓ it's a virtue, right? To care for yourself and really show up in that way. rather than feel guilty for doing so. Toni Toomey (31:33) Yeah, that's, I am like right in that transition right now. I have, I decided to compete in a pageant that's in a couple months. And so my daughter gets, yeah, I did pageants as a teen. I haven't competed in 20 years and I saw a Facebook post and was like, I'll, I'll give it a try. And I didn't realize when I signed up, like just how much I needed a reason to like prioritize myself and take care of like the aesthetic side and all of that. And I, at the start, kind of felt a little bit guilty Priya Rednam Waldo (31:41) I'm Toni Toomey (32:03) but then it's been so cool involving my daughter in that she comes and sits on the sink with me while I do my makeup and I practice doing my hair and she loves to practice walking with me and it's so cute. She like holds my hand and I had a video. I was like videoing my walk to show my coaches and she was standing there and I was like, okay, sweetie, you have to move now. Mama's going to walk and it's just the cutest video and I know I'm going to look back on it and be like, oh, these memories are just the best. And she gets to see like, Hey, Priya Rednam Waldo (32:15) So different. Toni Toomey (32:33) It's okay to prioritize yourself as a mom. And hopefully she carries that when she becomes a mom someday and remembers like, hey, I was too and mom was doing this stuff for herself. I should do things for myself too. Priya Rednam Waldo (32:47) Yeah, that's beautiful. I'm sure you're gonna look back really fondly on that memory and you too, right? So like really cherish that. And I believe with my whole heart, our children's dreams are born out of us pursuing our own, right? If we say, gosh, you became a parent and you give up all of your personal dreams that you had for yourself because your only role is parent, then they're gonna have that expectation as well, right? because it's a beautiful thing. We are their whole world for a pretty long period of time before they go through those teenage years. And what ends up happening is, ⁓ yeah, they do take on our view of things. And we have such a beautiful opportunity to show them, gosh, yeah, can do whatever you want. And you don't have to ascribe to the doing it all mentality. Instead, it's what do you want to do? and how do you pursue it? yeah, there's no age, timeframe, circumstantial limit other than what we place on ourselves. I love that you're doing pageants. so, mean, imagine like, the confidence that you have to have to do that. I don't know that I have those strengths. And she gets to witness that and be a part of it too. Really, really special. Toni Toomey (34:04) Yeah. Yeah, it's it has just been so cool. I am even making her like a little matching dress to wear to the pageant and I'm so excited. I'm not making it this seamstress is I'm not that talented. I know how to hem pants and that's about it. I am not taking on another hobby in sewing. But yeah, it's it's just been such a beautiful experience with her and she loves to like pretend to do my makeup. And I even got her some like little kid ⁓ nail polish that's ⁓ has like little mermaids. Priya Rednam Waldo (34:17) Yeah. Yeah. Toni Toomey (34:37) and starfish and seahorse on it. so every day she's like, I want the starfish today. And it's so cute just kind of like getting into that girly part ⁓ and all the bows. She's hated bows in her hair forever until just recently. And now she's like all about them and wants them in her hair every day. Priya Rednam Waldo (34:47) Yeah. Yeah, they change so much. They really do. Like I said, I three boys and a girl and she just wants to fit in with the boys. So she as much as I love a good bow, she is not interested in the least and I had to let go of that even for as an infant. She just like tear him off. Toni Toomey (35:13) yeah. Priya Rednam Waldo (35:14) But yeah, it's a really beautiful thing when we can ⁓ experience all of ourselves, right? Everything that feels really special to us. And then we can show that to our kids. We can participate with our kids. And yeah, our whole family benefits. It's a gift when we really prioritize our joy and our wellness and our fulfillment as women and mothers. Toni Toomey (35:40) Yeah, absolutely. So I love to end episodes with like a little rapid fire question round. So don't think too much, but ⁓ what is one habit from your military days that actually helps you as a mother? Priya Rednam Waldo (35:58) Ooh, that's great. Okay, I'll try and do the rapid fire aspect of it. I would just say I'm disciplined. So recognizing I know what I need each morning. I've got to get up on time, six o'clock, have my cup of coffee, have a little space, and then I'm able to wake the kids up and get going for the day. And there are mornings, of course, often, and at six, you know, six comes around, I'm like, I really would like to lay down longer. but I'm disciplined about it and I get up and I'm always better for it. So that would be my main takeaway from the military that I still use. Toni Toomey (36:33) Yeah. I love that. What is the most common lie that high achieving women tell themselves about returning to work? Priya Rednam Waldo (36:47) most common lie that high achieving women tell themselves about going to work, that they have a deficit that they need to make up for, that they are returning to work less than in some way as a professional. Because the reality is with those mind-body changes that are happening, you actually show up enhanced. Imagine how many things that you had to think about, be vigilant of. just in order to sustain your beautiful baby's life. So you are not showing up at the deficit, you're showing up actually with these new skills. And yes, are there are there different rhythms that you'll need? For sure. But those accommodations for those rhythms are not charity. You are absolutely showing up as an amazing version of yourself and you get to show up really confident that you're bringing so much to the table. Toni Toomey (37:38) Yeah. my gosh, that is so true. It's, think moms are so self-conscious about like mom brain, but it's really mom brain is such a beautiful thing because it's just expanded your capacity. And I mean, there's been studies that have proven like you're so much more aware, like emotionally and perceptive of things. And it's, I think it's just so beautiful that that transformation and you're right. It's, not a deficit, but man, is it easy to feel like it, especially when you're in, you know, a leadership or with a bunch of other men who don't have the same experience when they become parents. They don't lose their words in the middle of sentences and lose the sleep for months and months. It's, yeah, that is a good one. Priya Rednam Waldo (38:23) Yeah, it's not a deficit, it's different. And yeah, sometimes we have to do some education with peers or superiors that don't know what that's like. ⁓ But we shouldn't feel bad about having to do that, right? Like we're not asking them to totally embody our experience, but we're really demanding empathy for the experience and against feeling really empowered in what we are bringing to the table. Toni Toomey (38:52) Yeah, I mean, we were all kids at one point and we all had moms. Priya Rednam Waldo (38:58) And if any of our male colleagues happen to have kids, right, even if they weren't super hands on with parenting, maybe they're of a previous generation where that wasn't the norm, they had a spouse doing a lot of unpaid labor in order for them to come to work. So if a client recently sent me a social media post about, you know, women are not less ambitious, we just don't have wives. And it's really true, right? In a lot of spaces, especially with the women I coach, right? Physicians, attorneys, executives, they are maybe in more male dominated spaces. And those men have wives who may be caring for children at home, whether it was in the early days or on, they have that support. And a lot of women who are achieving, who are going back to work, even if they have equitable partners, it's not the same. They're trying to be hands-on as a parent and wanting to be really essential at work. Toni Toomey (39:58) Yeah, yeah, that mental load piece is just so true. that naturally women carry more of the mental load for kids and house and all of that stuff. Even as we are in male dominated roles, we're still carrying that. And I think men are kind of free from that mental load a lot of times. Priya Rednam Waldo (40:19) Yeah, it's either they're free entirely by default or they have it to just such a lesser degree. And it can be okay, right? We are the birthing parent often. And so yeah, our body and our mind is going through stuff that our partner isn't. But conversations that we talked about earlier about the importance of having them, that can be so essential. And then going into work, our professional place also. Toni Toomey (40:27) Yes. Priya Rednam Waldo (40:47) being ready to have conversations and I'll often help clients script those out as well. Like here's how you go and be yourself, be honest, but not see it as a deficit. Toni Toomey (40:58) Yeah, absolutely. So last question, therapy versus coaching. How does a mom know which one she actually needs like right now in this moment? Priya Rednam Waldo (41:09) I love that question because I'll be honest, early as a therapist, I didn't always understand the difference because they're both great, but ⁓ knowing what's right for you is really important. So I like the analogy of therapy is necessary when we feel at the bottom of a hole and we're not sure how to get up to baseline, right? Just to get our feet back under us on level ground. Coaching is right when we can't, maybe we're looking down. at that hole and thinking, I could be down there pretty soon. Maybe we've even put a foot in there, but we're not down at the bottom. We're able to function. able, but we want better. And so we really are looking to build that mountain for ourselves. and, and sometimes my coaching clients are both working with me and in therapy or, or, and are there in therapy and I have a team of people, right? That they are really being supported by. And that can work. But what I really love is I always do a complimentary discovery call with every new mom who's wanting to work with me. And if I really feel that, gosh, you would really better be served by a therapist right now, and then we can work together later, I'll be honest with that and make sure that they are connected. It's really one of the main strengths I feel like I have as a licensed therapist where I can say, ooh, this is really the path that you should take. ⁓ Or no, really coaching is right for you. You're in a space where, yeah, maybe there's some struggles, but it doesn't rise to the level of needing therapy support right Toni Toomey (42:44) Yeah, I love that analogy about the mountain and that's, that's just so cool. And it's, you're right. You're like very uniquely qualified because a lot of times you find coaches and they're maybe not therapists or vice versa. And with you sitting on both sides, it's so cool that you're able to like see holistically and really give good advice there. Priya Rednam Waldo (43:04) Yeah, thank you. appreciate your saying that. I really love that I get to bring my experience as a mom, a four, all of my leadership experience, my experience in really high demand professional positions, ⁓ as well as as an entrepreneur. And then I get to bring in all of that therapy experience. ⁓ Even within the therapy world, I always make sure that moms are connected if they need that kind of support with with trained and certified perinatal mental health specialists because there's a lot of wonderful therapists out there, but there is a really unique skill set and knowledge base that moms in this period need. Toni Toomey (43:35) Yes. Yeah, that's, you're so right. Gosh, I just resonate with that so much. I, there's a really great perinatal therapist here too that I've recommended to multiple people. Just like we talked about earlier, traumatic birth experience and just processing that. And I think that stuff is so important and has such a good place. Where can people find you if they're interested in your coaching services and chatting with you? Priya Rednam Waldo (44:14) Sure. So the best way to connect with me, I'm active ⁓ on either Instagram or LinkedIn. So and it's just my name. Try to keep it simple because I have a longer name, but it's just me, Priya Rednum Waldo, both of those faces, or to visit my website, which is also just my name. And you can learn more about myself, the ways that I support people. And if you're just wanting a really trusted resource, as we talked about on social media, ⁓ that's very science-backed, data-driven, but also really holds space for the emotional experience and ⁓ for, you know, really career-driven moms, that I can be that for you too. But yeah, if you're interested in potentially working together, I would love that. Just reach out and we'll set up some time to chat and make sure that we're a great fit on both of our ends and then we can move forward from there. Toni Toomey (45:13) Awesome. Well, thank you so much for coming on Priya. This has been so helpful. I feel like to so many moms and just such a joy chatting and going through all of this stuff. I feel so seeing just talking about and sharing some of my experience and it's been so lovely. Priya Rednam Waldo (45:29) Thank you, Toni Lovely for me as well.